so scared.
so over it.
so want out.
so don't want to leave.
so i know i have to.
so anxious.
so knows it's best.
so knows i'll be welcomed with open arms.
so ready.
so not.
so confused.
so single.
not so alone.
but still standing alone.

i'm not sorry for my emotions, for my feelings and for wanting what will be best for me. i wish i could combine my two worlds, but i suppose that is growing up. before i posted i looked at my friend's page and realized that we are all sad, and down... but we are all worth so much more... this will end soon, things will pick up and we will all be on our way to happiness.

i want out.
out of my job.
out of my city.
i feel out of my mind and so emotional that i physically don't know what to do with myself.
trying to salvage my sanity seems like an unbearable task.
yes this is my pre-birthday/menstrual break down.

it's a strange feeling going home...
one i am done with school so this is a stepping stone if you will
next it is like going backwards
but currently i can't help but recognize the funny feeling of the overwhelming gestures to sway me to stay while back at home it is completely opposite...stoked.

Are you currently in a relationship? negative, managed to stay single for 3 and a half years... woah.
What was the last item you bought? A beer, but clothes was the last non item to be consumed
What was the last thing you drank? beer, four peaks kiltlifter, was on sale similar to shiner...ish?
Who was the last person you hugged? Derek, a tall awkward boy who is friends with my "brother" and whom i pretend to not crush on
Do you have any piercings? ears, lip
What plans do you have for tomorrow? work, edit photos, and work on my senior project, then the bar?
What do you hate? people consumed by their boyfriends, and flaking
Where do you want to live when your older? somewhere that is in a city but close enough to escape from it
Do you have a best friend that is a girl? yup
How are things between you and your friends? love them, but all that haven't moved away will never be like corpus friends
What was the last compliment that you received? "loveeeeee your necklace" and "you smell really nice"
Do you forgive and forget? depends...
Who was the last person to tell you they love you? richard... yep.
Do you hate anyone? not really, just a few make my blood boil
What was the last thing you ate? boom dip and bruschetta from oreganos
Who sits behind you in English? no one... far past that
What are you listening to? small brown bike
When and why did you last cry? the other day... stresssssssssss....
What was the last movie you watched? Sleepless in Seattle.
Has a friendship ended recently that you wish had not? negative
What did you do last night? work then sleep
Who is the last person of the opposite sex you had a conversation with? jason my "brother"
Who was the last person you ate with? brooke
What is more essential - a pretty face or a great body? body... make up and exfoliate the face and hope for the best?
What do you like on your pizza? "DAIYA! Also - black olives and mushrooms."-caitlin (totally backed!)
Do you miss anyone? yep
What were you doing at 10 PM on Friday night? caseys? mill? i don't remember
Who was the last person you had in your room? andrew, a boy from sf, cuddles kisses the ultimate casual and no number exchange... perfect.
Can you speak another language? spanglish
If you could visit any country, where would you go? france, england, greece, russia...everywhere.
When was the last time you purchased something over $500? ask me next week... i will most likely say printing components for my portfolio review
Where do you want to go? Right now? somewhere lively
What is your current mood? meh
Who was the last person to IM you? angelique via ichat or shaggy via fb chat
How many kids do you want to have? 0!
Who was the last person to call you? brooke!
What are you craving? spinach dip
What is the closest red thing to you? vintage ysl blouse
Do you like anyone? hmmmm.... i guess? but prob. not
Do they know? who knows
Ever kissed anyone 20 or older? no, but i think i have in the last year... not really my choice?
Have you kissed anyone in the past week? surprisingly yes
Do you like what you see in the mirror? meh
Do you think a lot of people think bad things about you? if they did whatever... such is life
Suppose you see your crush kissing another person? shit happens... moving on!

i did nothing wrong, at all...
but why do i feel like i have a scarlet letter burned onto my chest...
and it is starting to weigh me down.

to have the the girl who is my team leader in my in house promotions class... she is super new (soph?) and her work sucks... damn oversleeping last week.

a survey but then decided that id rather just ramble about 2010

okay so maybe just how i feel right now...

still single. still content.
learning to let go of somethings and persons, accepting that we all get older and drifting away is normal is okay.
i am not the corpus gal i once was, but i will still always have corpus in my heart and will always be the same person, just older and more evolved than my younger self.
i want to move to the east coast and i think i will. philly or new york, either way i will be there.
that is it for now.

seriously, i like him
and it is amusing his friends are trying to sabotage any connection i have with him
also... wtf you call me every night to tell me good night but you will never be with me unless i move to your city...
and wtf as soon as you find out i am hanging out with a dude you kiss my ass sending me things and acting like you "love" me ... fucking just show up at my door things will be serious the moment you do...
i am drunk
< 3

usually, its my ex known as the asshole... but today...

"there i go just saying something in passing, and you gotta go and convolute it with fucking cynicism and straight up denial." - my ex...

looks like i am
(:

EDIT:
okay, so he still is
"if you are ever in Chicago.
you should go to a neighborhood called Pilsen.
you'll be very likely to get mugged and raped.
i'm just being a child now."

of a night. of a week.

color me unhappy as fuck.

and i am as monochromatic as ever.